Infection

Most of the time, despite the worries and the uncertainties that any person has to live with on a daily basis, life is still pretty good.

There are certain things, though, that infect me, giving physical symptoms to emotional viruses. I don’t know if this is peculiar to me or if everyone experiences it, but regardless, it frickin’ sucks. No, I’m not talking about depression. I’m talking about tension; the kind of quarrels that wind you up like too-tuned guitar strings on the verge of snapping.

Except they’re not fights, they’re far more subtle than that. It’s nuance, it’s inflection, it’s the angle of someone’s smile and the pitch of their voice. It’s understanding what someone really means underneath what they’re saying. It’s intrigue, it’s the politics of friendship and the currency of every workplace.

It’s in the moments when I realize how malicious people really are that I think I actually hate life. Depression is manageable in the end because it comes from me; at the heart of things, I control it. This is another matter. This is being at mercy of someone else’s mood.

I can talk to almost anyone and not get truly offended by almost anything they have to say (unless, of course, it is your average cat-caller or “hey-girl”er and then I just want to punch them in the face). But the thing I cannot abide is blatant disrespect. There is no room in my patience for rudeness, arrogance, or intentional viciousness. The world is shitty enough without people making other people feel crappy just because they have the power to do so.

Gossip is a tricky line to tread. Sometimes something happens and you need to talk with someone else about it to get perspective on the situation. Sometimes you just want the juicy details. Wholehearted back-stabbing or bashing is another thing that does not make it on my List of Things I Will be Patient With.

I love art. I love what it can do, I love that in order to grow you have to be given rules, and sometimes the best thing that can happen is to realize that there are better rules. I hate artists who think they’re God’s gift to humankind. That sort of egocentric narcissism, for me, negates whatever work of art they did because I cannot separate what was done from who did the doing. Self-adoration and deification also do not make my list.

I guess what I’m angry about is that humility seems to have just disappeared. Not everywhere, not in all people, but for this moment, at least, it’s just gone. Whatever happened to grace, giving people the space and the breath to be human? When did we start expecting perfection from the very start, and when did we start insulting those who can’t meet our own inhuman standards?

I’m frustrated. It’s about time we all grew up and stopped using childish manipulations to get the upper hand. Not everything in life is a competition. Not everything has to be won. Not everything has to be fought for. Being an adult is knowing when to let someone else be better than you. Being an adult is not demanding control every moment of the day. Let’s throw some fucking empathy in the mix, people, and see where we end up.