I have a strong urge to get in a car and drive far
away. I don’t want to be in school
anymore. I am tired of turning in
assignments. I am tired of going
to work on campus. I am tired of
being a student-worker or a student-writer or a student-filmmaker. I’m tired of being a student, I’m tired
of the academic environment and the pseudo-intellectuals and the drunken
weekends watching smart girls act stupid so they can lip-lock with a muscled
stranger. The whole system, the
whole cycle, is insane. It’s ridiculous.
Partially, this is senioritis. And since I’m staying on an extra semester, it’s hitting
even harder, because I know that I’ve got over a year left of school and facing
another entire year of college is incredibly depressing. I’m ready to be done with this.
It’s more than that, though. I’m sitting here and feeling it, but I don’t know how to
explain it. Ironic that at my most
frustrated moments, words completely fail. Why do I invest in writing when at every critical moment it
falls short?
I know there’s something wrong with me. I think the doctor fell short of the
diagnosis – I’m not just depressed, I’m bipolar. The world is brilliant, and then the world ends at the tip
of an unsatisfactory interaction.
I pole-vault from one extreme to another, wondering as I pass overhead
just what the middle of life feels like.
The longer I sit here, the more the pressure builds. Latin translations due by midnight,
Latin midterm Tuesday, 8 am, so much I have to memorize because the concepts
just aren’t getting through, all the Hebrew reading, my TV pitch Tuesday, 9:45,
work Monday, 7:30am, Principals of Language midterm Friday, 11:50am, Media
Services video shoot, Thursday, 4p, to 8pm, First Mondays, Monday 4pm to 10pm,
which means I can’t study for Latin, all of this, this schedule, this list of
things to do, the items to cross off the list but the list just keeps getting
longer and I feel like Sisyphus watching the rock roll down the mountain again
and again.
So I want to get in a car and I want to drive away.
These are the bad days. The days when I sit here and I don’t get out of bed. The days when I hate everything.
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